Educated Parenting

Conveying Warmth -- The Encouragement Approach, Part Four

A very important part of using the Encouragement Approach is recognizing our children’s efforts and improvements through such communication as:                               

“It looks as if you really worked hard on that.”

“It looks as if you spent a lot of time thinking it through.”

“I see that you’re moving along.”

“Look at the progress you’ve made.”  (Be specific, tell how)

“You’re improving in…” (be specific)

“You may not feel that you’ve reached your goal, but look how far you’ve come!”

Note of caution...

Conveying Warmth -- The Encouragement Approach, Part Three

The Encouragement Approach also involves using communications and phrases that show confidence:

“Knowing you, I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

“You’ll make it!”

“I have confidence in your judgment.”

“That’s a rough one, but I’m sure you’ll work it out.”

“You’ll figure it out.”

Encouragement also entails our focusing on the contributions that our children make and showing our appreciation through such statements as:

Conveying Warmth -- The Encouragement Approach, Part Two

Learning the Encouragement Approach is particularly important if you have been in the habit of discouraging children.

We discourage children when we have unreasonably high standards, such as when we expect them to do well in all endeavors, or to have every hair on their head in place, or to expect their rooms or personal spaces to be “as neat as a pin.”

We also discourage children when we promote competitions between brothers and sisters, or have double standards where we expect cleanliness from children but not from ourselves.

Using encouragement means emphasizing the positive.  It means using phrases that show acceptance of a child and phrases that recognize effort and improvement, such as:

Conveying Warmth -- The Encouragement Approach, Part One

Parental warmth and acceptance are pivotal ingredients in effective parenting, according to research conducted worldwide with families from all walks of life and all cultures (See Parenting Research, July 19, 2005).

There are many ways for parents to convey warmth and acceptance.

An approach that many parents have found to be particularly helpful is called Encouragement.

The use of Encouragement not only lets children know they are loved but it also builds their self-confidence and self-esteem.

Encouragement does this because it focuses on children’s assets and strengths.  It also helps them learn from their mistakes, without dwelling on them.  It helps them to believe in themselves and their abilities.  For example,

Conveying Warmth -- Effective Praising, Part Four

Now we will learn how to carry out the last two steps of this seven step Effective Praising skill, which is a parenting skill for both conveying warmth and also for instructing children about those behaviors that parents find as being particularly important to the smooth functioning of families.

(All seven steps were indicated under Parenting Skills and Strategies on February 21, 2006, and guidance for using Steps One through Five was provided on February 23 and 28, 2006).

The last two steps have to do with showing affection and with the best time to deliver Effective Praising.

Recall you have “caught your child being good” (for example, he has helped to clean the dinner table); you have looked directly at your child, moved close and smiled; then you said lots of nice things about your child and praised their behavior of cleaning up the table.  Now:

Conveying Warmth -- Effective Praising, Part Three

Today we will look closely at what to say to children when we use the seven step Effective Praising skill for conveying warmth and acceptance, and for instructing them about actions and values that are of particular importance (see list of all seven steps, Parenting Skills and Strategies, February 21, 2006).

Previously we learned how to carry out the first three steps, which had to do with looking directly at the child, moving close and smiling (see Parenting Skills and Strategies, February 23, 2006).

Now, what do we say?

Conveying Warmth -- Effective Praising, Part Two

Today we will look closely at the first three steps of the seven steps of the Effective Praising skill (see Parenting Skills – February 21, 2006 for a list of all seven steps.) 

Recall that the Effective Praising skill is a method for conveying warmth and acceptance, as well as serving to instruct children about which of their actions are significantly valued by their parents.

The behaviors that effective praise are focused upon are those of a cooperative, responsible and respectful nature, such as when a child plays or works cooperatively with others, helps with family chores, or speaks in a respectful tone of voice. 

The use of effective praise to single out and reinforce these types of behaviors is also a way of instilling the values of cooperation, responsibility and respect in our children.

The first three steps have to do with the body language of delivering effective praising:

Conveying Warmth -- Effective Praising, Part One

Parental warmth and acceptance continue to be shown in research study after study to be a key ingredient of effective parenting.

There are many ways of conveying warmth and acceptance, including through such time-tested basics as hugging and kissing children.

Researchers and parent education program creators have found ways that parents can convey warmth that also instructs.

One such method is called Effective Praising.  It is one of the parenting methods that is taught in such model parenting skill-building programs as Confident Parenting: Survival Skill-Training, Effective Black Parenting, and Los Niños Bien Educados.

To make the best use of this method, parents have to notice and move into action when their children are being cooperative, responsible or respectful, such as when they play or work together cooperatively with others, or pick up after themselves or speak in a respectful tone of voice. 

In short, parents have to catch their kids being good, and then they are ready to use the seven steps of Effective Praising:

One-Day Seminars to Make Parenting Easier

Learning effective parenting skills along with other parents has been shown be an exciting and energizing experience, as well as reducing feelings of isolation in raising children and feelings of guilt over having difficulties in raising them.

You learn a great deal about yourself as a parent.  You learn what you have been doing that is helpful to your children's welfare and growth.  You learn great ways to cope with every day child rearing challenges and problems.  And you find out that you are not alone.

It is usually a marvelous experience for everyone involved.

It is now possible for parents in every community to have these experiences through participating in one-day parenting seminars that are provided by the nonprofit organization that I started 31 years ago, the Center for the Improvement of Child Caring (CICC).

Soothing Crying Babies

I am so pleased to bring to your attention the wisdom and approach of Dr. Harvey Karp regarding how to sooth crying and fussy babies!

If you have had, or currently have, a baby that cries and cries and cries, and is difficult to sooth, you have undoubtedly experienced a torrent of strong feelings, such as helplessness, frustration, fatigue, shame, guilt and anger.  And you probably can appreciate why some parents succumb and end up hurting their infants.

My wife and I experienced such feelings and gained such an appreciation.  One of our daughters had colic for the first two months of her life.  We all survived but it was not easy.

Well, Dr. Karp, a pediatrician from here in California, has figured out what the problem may be, and has come up with an approach that is helping thousands of parents and infants.

His approach includes a series of coordinated actions that parents can take to unlock what Dr. Karp calls the "calming reflex."