Today we will look closely at what to say to children when we use the seven step Effective Praising skill for conveying warmth and acceptance, and for instructing them about actions and values that are of particular importance (see list of all seven steps, Parenting Skills and Strategies, February 21, 2006).
Previously we learned how to carry out the first three steps, which had to do with looking directly at the child, moving close and smiling (see Parenting Skills and Strategies, February 23, 2006).
Now, what do we say?
- Say Lots of Nice Things to Your Child. The idea here is to make a big deal out of what your child is doing – to shower the child with attention, and say a lot of nice things, such as:
Thank You! That’s Nice! Good Job! Good Thinking!
I really like it when you speak to me in that tone of voice!
That really pleases me!
- Praise Behavior, Not the Child. This is a really important step: be sure to praise behavior and not the child.
In other words, praise your child for what he does, not what he is.
There’s a world of difference, for example, between saying, ‘It was nice of you to help me do the dishes, Paul,’ and saying, ‘You are such a good boy, Paul.’
The first conveys the message that Paul earned praise for his cooperative behavior, washing the dishes. The second statement is merely an opinion or judgment about Paul as a person, and does not give any information about what he did to merit that high opinion.
On Thursday, March 2, 2006, we will learn the last two steps and put the entire parenting method together.
You can learn more about this skill and how to use it in the parent handbooks of the Confident Parenting: Survival Skill-Training, Effective Black Parenting, and Los Niños Bien Educados programs.
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